Our esteemed rag, the Kyiv Weekly, is guaranteed to print at least one article per publication that has me falling off my chair in stitches.  This week’s gem was a piece on a new amusement park, named ‘1984′ which has recently opened in Lithuania. 

Do you have a hankering for Soviet times?

Do you want to feel the former USSR spirit for a few hours?

Do you have a spare $50 to burn?

Are you a sandwich short of a picnic?

If you answered ‘yes’ to one or more questions, then head on over to a bunker located 25km from Vilnius, where you will be treated to:

• A cup of burnt barley coffee
• An excursion run by guards accompanied by German shepherd dogs who will make you speak Russian or be silent (whether it’s the dogs or the guards that make you speak Russian is unclear)
• Marching under the red flag accompanied by the USSR anthem
• Running around in gas masks screaming out Soviet slogans

If you refuse to do the above you’ll be sent to a KGB ‘investigator’ who falsely accuses you of some minor crime and threatens to send you to Siberia.

If you make it through the excursion you’ll be treated to a glass of vodka with tinned buckwheat porridge and meat slices.

Interestingly you are told to ’stop thinking as the party will do that for you’ and smiling is an offence.  (That explains a lot in these former USSR joints…)

If you disobey or smile you’ll be beaten with a leather belt.  (Are we sure this is not some dodgy S&M organisation masquerading as a tourist park?) 

The adventure is not for children, claustrophoics or those with heart problems.  To make the experience even more stressful all instructions are barked out in Russian.  (Yes, that’s stressful, alright.) 

By the end of your excursion you should have been cured of any nostalgia ‘illness’ you had for Soviet times.  Anyone got a spare $50?